change

It's amazing how things constantly change, and yet stay the same. Life is always moving forward, sometimes at a snail's pace, other times racing so fast it's impossible to keep up.

I turned 30 on Thursday. I woke up, and found that I wasn't worse for the wear. I didn't wake up with a silver mop of hair on my head... I didn't wake up with rheumatic arthritis in my toes... I didn't have new, honorary crows feet at my eyes. Things were pretty much OK.

There are a few things that make me feel like I'm not 16 anymore.

• I use anti-wrinkle cream around my eyes (I guess I'm pretty worried about those crows feet!!!). 
• I dye my hair (and not just for fun...). 
• My postpartum belly. Enough said.
• Listening to the interns talk about the shows they grew up watching. Ben Maughan was 5 years old when I was 15. Holy. Crap.

There are still a few things that make me feel like the best years are ahead of me, though. :) I love to think about these things, and celebrate them... they help me to forget that my youth is probably gone for good, and that I'm moving into a new phase of "I'm really an adult now... no turning back."

• My wonderful husband. I wouldn't go back to the first 5 years of marriage for anything... you couldn't pay me enough money... but, God has taken what we made ugly and turned it into something more beautiful than we could've ever imagined. I look forward to this new, amazing time in our life together.
• Andrew.
• My Community. I have the most wonderful, genuine group of people around me. My family is amazing, and my friends are each a gift from God. He's allowed me to take a couple of those friendships to a whole new level of "spurring" within the last couple of years, as well as mended some broken relationships that I thought didn't have a chance. He is truly making all things right.
• Music. I still love to sit down at the piano and lose time for awhile, whether it's in Clair de Lune, something I'm making up, or a great new worship song for church.
• Work. I love teaching, and however long I do it, I cherish the opportunity. It's challenging, fulfilling, and is my "dream job" - besides being Adam's wife and Andrew's mom, of course! I also love being on staff at my church. I work with amazing people and am blessed beyond measure... being paid to do something I love! I also love delving into my childhood memories and learning to crochet again. My Grammy taught me how a long time ago, and it's been so amazing getting back into it. I'm excited to learn new crafts as well (such as sewing, cooking... etc), and engage in these more classical forms of homemaking.

God, thanks for the past 30 years. Thanks for the rest of the time You've allotted me. I pray I use it to Your glory, and for Your kingdom. Paul was right when he said that living is for You, and dying is even better! I love the lines of this song...

When we arrive at eternity's shore

Where death is just a memory and tears are no more

We'll enter in, as the wedding bells ring

Your bride will come together, and we'll sing "You're beautiful!"

watch

I was reading PW today and her "Top Movies" contest got me thinking about movies, and I realized just how much I love them. I seriously love movies. I love epics, love stories, dramas. I do enjoy a good, intelligent romantic comedy.

I wanted to think through my favorite movies - there are several... I can't pick one.

Lord of the Rings - I feel like this one is an obvious choice. I totally went through my LotR nerd phase in college. I remember when I was truly first introduced to the idea of it. I was at a movie with my friend, Elisa, when we saw the first teaser trailer for Fellowship of the Ring. It was a black screen that showed the flaming ring with the words "One ring to rule them all. One ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them." I got chills. My mom read The Hobbit to us growing up, and we saw the cartoons, but the story hadn't made much of an impact on me. I think my age was a factor. Anyways, needless to say I was caught up instantly. I read the trilogy, and the Silmarillion. I read the appendices. I got into it. :) It was a fun phase.



Harry Potter - This was my next big obsession. I read the seventh book in 36 hours. I know people that totally had me beat, but I'm still proud of my accomplishment. Of course, I know now just how much time I had on my hands. :) It's amazing the perspective a child brings to your life.

I really did enjoy this epic series. More than I thought I would. I'm excited to read it to Andrew. I think I'll read each book as it grows with him. I'll start when he's 11 and we'll work through it. I hope reading aloud is a major part of our family life. I enjoyed it in my family, and hope to pass along the tradition.

But, this is about movies! I saw the 4th movie, Goblet of Fire before I read any of the books or saw any of the previous movies. I was hooked. The first one is probably my favorite one, with the 4th and 6th ones being close contenders. The others were ok... but the series itself is so great.

Love Actually - This one is probably a bit more controversial... mainly because of the amount of nudity. :) But, it's one of my most favorite movies of all time. It's feel-good at it's best. The soundtrack is fabulous. I love British humor. I love all of the actors. I love the theme of it.

A&E's Pride and Prejudice - I've landed on this as being my favorite version of this Jane Austen classic. I love the more contemporary, shorter version of it as well, but there's nothing to compare to this 6 hour mini-series. The portrayal of Elizabeth Bennet by Jennifer Ehle is, in my opinion, flawless. Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy? DROOL. Big time.

Almost Famous - I forget about this movie. I forget how truly amazing it is. And then it resurfaces and I'm blown away again by just how fabulous it is. I love how I'm surprised by it's existence and feel like I'm almost enjoying it for the first time again. Music... travelling musicians... people trying to live out their dreams, or just figure them out... Fantastic.

Once - I don't know if I'll watch this movie again... but it was a beautiful experience watching it. The soundtrack is by far my favorite original soundtrack. My friend Danielle brought this over randomly and said (in her very casual way) "Um, have you seen this?"
"No, but I've heard it's good and I've wanted to."
"You haven't seen this?!?" (She's not nearly as animated as me, so when she got all flustered, I knew this was serious business.)
"No! Let's!" (Or something to that effect.)

It was OK, until Glen Hansard belted out his song "Say it to Me Now". I was hooked. Everything from that point on was genius. If you haven't seen it, you should.

Sex and the City 1&2  - I love SATC. Years ago, Adam and I went to NYC with some fun friends of ours, Ryan and Denise. Denise was WAY into SATC. I remember her talking about how much she loved it and how she wanted to do a tour of their filming locations... I thought she was crazy. Until I started watching it. I was hooked.

Yes, it's racy... at best. It's gratuitous. And, it's feminine. It's fashion. It's relationship. It's vulnerability. It's just great. In my opinion!



This was by far one of the most fun posts I have ever written... for me. You should go watch one of these movies. Don't blame me for all of the nudity in some of them though. Don't worry - I cover my eyes too. :)

trust

I'm feeling a little sad today. Sad for failed relationships, heartache, sick children... just unfairness and hurt in general. Why so melancholy? I don't know. I just am.

For the first time ever, I cried about having to take Andrew to someone else instead of being able to care for him full-time myself. Now, the person who cares for him is one of the absolute best possible people - my wonderful mom-in-law. I love that he gets to spend that time with her. But, it still breaks my heart that I have to. I just wish I didn't have to do it. I think I was feeling especially bad about it yesterday because Andrew's been dealing with just general yuck as he adjusts to new food, and teethes, and is becoming more mobile. It's hard to watch him grow and experience the pain that goes with it.

Oh yes. I'm emotional. I even had chocolate earlier and I'm still emotional and sad! Amazing.

And then I think about a couple at our church, Rachel and Jeremy. I can't even begin to describe the heartache I feel for them. I can't imagine the tremendous pain and... probably anger and confusion. They have an absolutely adorable son named Asher who's dealing with CF. Now, they're pregnant with their second son, Paxon, and not only does he also have CF, but he also has a chromosomal disorder that could potentially take his life at a very young age. Even just typing that out makes me cry... crying out of the intense desire to make it right for them... crying in anger that this had to happen to them... crying for what will come.

I think about these things, and it inevitably brings me back to God. Why would He allow this? Why? Why is there so much suffering that is even more traumatic than this??? My rational response - when I'm speaking at myself - is to say "It's not God's fault... it's sin." And, I know this is true. God isn't playing around with us. God isn't evil, or ill-intentioned. But, I realize that as I answer with my pat, I-go-to-church-every-Sunday answer... I realize that I never allow myself to wrestle with truth. To experience the seeming injustice of illness in a child who hasn't even been born. The injustice of failed marriages and broken families. I go to my comfortable answers and am afraid to look deeper. I'm afraid of jumping off the edge and into the murky waters of doubt. I think I'm afraid I'll drown. I'm afraid that by asking questions, I'll somehow lose something. Maybe I'm afraid that God will be angry at me for questioning Him... or He'll take me around the world showing me His great works like He did with Job. "Who are you?" He'd ask. "Who are you to question me?"

But, I want to. I want to question. Or maybe I don't. It's scary. I want to trust Him. I want my questions to lead me to a deeper understanding of His character - His goodness. Although... just being really honest... it doesn't seem like a whole lot of goodness right now.

In all reality though, I know that I have to find child-care for Andrew because of the foolish financial decisions that Adam and I have made. Our consequence is that we don't get to have quite the family life we wanted. We chose to spend unwisely, so that's our lot. It's logical. It makes sense. And, in light of the fact that it's our sin that landed us here, it's amazing that we have it so good - consequentially speaking. And, Rachel and Jeremy can find comfort in God. I don't know how He'll do it. I don't know what He's going to do in their lives... but I know that He's good. And His goodness as their Father and Comforter will manifest itself in their lives in some way. I pray outright for the healing of this unborn baby boy. I pray for a big mistake made by all of these doctors. And, if he isn't healed, then I trust that Rachel and Jeremy will rejoice to meet Paxon again when they also meet Jesus face-to-face.

I think the most comforting thing I can think of is that we won't be crying anymore in Heaven.