Toxic Friend?? (Part 1)

It's hard to know where to begin this blog. I guess I'll start with my intentions and go from there. I've been thinking a lot lately about a night a really long time ago at church. I was asked to speak about friendship with my best friend Beth. We were asked to give a "testimony" of sorts on friendship and the elements of our friendship that seemed to work so well. What appeared to be wonderful on the surface and what looked like Godly sisterhood was actually a toxic friendship. Looking back, I think about the things I said that night, and wonder how I could be so blind. All I can do now is thank God for His mercy and for His timing. Even though it breaks my heart now to think of all the things I could've done differently, I'm still so thankful that God is teaching me all about His endless grace.

I'll start by telling you that friendship has always been important to me. I grew up watching Anne of Green Gables and thinking "When will I find my version of Dianna?". I was always on the prowl for that one friend who would be the friend to walk through life with. It really was an endless search, deeply rooted in my need to be accepted by others. I won't go into explaining the many friendships I've had throughout the years, but I will snag a few out of my relationship sphere to highlight different things that God has taught me using these amazing women.

Beth and I met in highschool when she came to the states on furlow. Her parents were missionaries in the Phillipines. She was very charismatic and fun. She has an incredibly beautiful singing voice and everyone loved her! Everyone, except for me! I was insanely jealous of her popularity - mainly because I wasn't in that circle of people that hung out with her. I tried talking to her a few times, and I'm sure she tried to do the same, but we were on completely different wave-lengths. I was the high-principled, too-good-for-that girl. The "holier-than-thou" girl. She dated and kissed her boyfriend. I swore off dating until I was out of highschool!

She left to go home for her senior year of highschool, and I think we effectively forgot about eachother! So much so that, when she came back for college, I remember thinking "Beth's back. That's cool." I had no intentions of pursuing a friendship with her. I think she probably felt the same way, but God had other plans for us! Our mutual friend Michael decided that he wanted to hang out with his pals and welcome Beth back to the states, and invited all of us to go to his favorite chinese food place for lunch. I had a great time and was surprised that I could actually feel agreeable towards Beth! Afterwards, my car wouldn't start, and she was the only one left in the parking lot. She graciously offered to drive me home. That's what started our friendship. We discovered that we loved to sing together. She invited me to hang out with all of her friends and her sisters, and we hung out with the same group of people in college. We sang in the band together - she always sang the higher harmonies and I took the bottom. We were like sisters!

Everything was perfect. One day I chose to share some things about my life with Beth - some deep personal struggles, and to my amazement, she was an answer to prayer!! I had been praying that God would send someone into my life to share my struggles with me, and she was able to relate to me and help me to not feel like such an ugly sinner. I remember being so grateful for her love and honesty as a friend. We were inseperable. We did almost everything together... that is, until she decided that she wanted to serve the Lord. Beth always had other interests that didn't involve me. She wanted to lead a small group at church, help out with missions trips, pour into other girls' lives... I just wanted her to hang out every Sunday after church and sing in the band with me always. Was that too much to ask? I began to convince myself that Beth had issues when it came to maintaining friendships. She had no concept of what it was to being a life-long friend. I felt it was my job to teach her how to be a good friend. Over the years, God was so good to me to allow that friendship to continue to develop and flourish.

I met Adam and he and I started dating. After that, Beth and I saw less and less of eachother. I moved on to a different ministry at our church, and she stayed with her boyfriend in the college ministry, still serving the girls in her small group... still living out her faith. I remember priding myself on all of my healthy relationships with my friends. I remember thinking about how lucky I was that I had so many great girlfriends. After Adam and I were married, Beth married Mark, who happens to be quite the catch! We continued to move in our seperate directions, but I felt like she was that "bossom friend"... that friend that I wasn't supposed to seperate from ever! I didn't realize how sinful my thoughts had become. Actually, I didn't realize how sinful I was in general up to that point!!

I remember the first time that Beth started hinting at her new direction in life. She was on the phone with a girl that she was rapidly developing a close friendship with, and the ugly pangs of jealousy consummed me. How could she ever be as close to this other girl as she was to me?? I asked her about her other friend and she definitely felt the pressure that I meant to place on her. I remember making her feel so guilty for not treating me differently than all of her other friends.

I asked to hang out with her one evening, just for some girl time. I figured that we hadn't hung out in awhile, and that's why we weren't as close as we once had been. I was driving to her house, and I think that's when God started to pull at my heart. He started to show me that my jealousy could be painful to Beth. I thought about it as I drove to her house and decided to apologize to her for my behavior. I sat down on her couch and unloaded on her. I told her I was so sorry for being jealous and that I knew it had probably hurt her. The look of relief was apparent, but there was more. I was in no way prepared for what happened next.

That night, Beth opened her heart to me, letting me know that our friendship was a burden to her... I was a burden to her. She wondered how I could let other friendships fall by the wayside, and yet I continued to push her into a deeper, false intimacy that she had no wish of maintaining. For years, I would complain to her about my friends having everything I wished for - marriage, houses of their own, children, careers - and all the while, making her fearful of telling me anything good that was happening in her life because she was afraid that I wouldn't be joyful for her, but rather, angry that I wasn't getting that too!! She said that I made her feel guilty all the time for not being a good friend and that she felt my expectations were unrealistic for her.

I was stunned. I had no idea she felt that way. I went into defense mode immediately and oozed my way out of it by, again, trying to make her feel guilty for her false impressions of me. I never expected that, or tried to do this... blah, blah, blah. She could only accept and apologize for what she had done. I cringe everytime I think about that night now. I walked away feeling numb. I thought I was ok. I thought that I had averted danger. But, as weeks passed, everything that she had said began to sink in. I began to feel so angry... I started reciting new speeches in my head, refuting everything she had said to me as being so completely untrue... and yet there was that small part of me that knew deep down that every word out of her mouth was a complete mirror of what I was... of what I had done to her. I had almost single-handedly brought down 5 years of friendship - all through my incredible selfishness, disregard for her feelings and a blindness to my own faults.

It's been 3 1/2 years since we had that conversation, and it was the death of a friendship that I had, up until that point, treasured beyond all others... in a very selfish, ugly way. I still think about that day - but now, it's with other feelings. I remember the years that I could've done so many things differently. I could've honored her passion and love for others. She has such a servant's heart and her desire to obey the Lord is the stuff that you write books about. They recently came home from the mission field, and were able to spend a night with Adam and I. I was so apprehensive that I actually cried a full 15 minutes before they arrived at the house. I was so filled with guilt over the past, a knowledge that our friendship as it had been once was now dead, and knowing that I couldn't really make amends for my past behavior. Adam, true to his wonderful self, was completely supportive and reassured me that everything would be great. It was a wonderful visit and a reminder of the good things that used to be.

As hard as it is to look back, I know that God has used that one relationship to reveal so much about my own ugliness, and His truly amazing grace. Without her, I wouldn't have known about my toxic friendship behaviors. I wouldn't have known how hurtful I was being towards others or, really, that the world didn't revolve around me.

I wrote this, and will write about other experiences that I've had, in an effort to not only be honest about my past, but to show how God can use even awful things to bring glory to Himself and to make me love Him and others more. I also wrote it to help other women like me. I know that not everyone is as obsessive as I was, but I know that we tend to place unrealistic expectations on our mates, friends, jobs... God is the only One that can satisfy our deepest needs and longings. He created us to worship Him, not others. I praise Him for His faithfulness to me and for Him teaching me.

Thanks for reading! More to come!