A life outside the checklist

When I was on college staff at another church, we were asked to take a survey of our spiritual walks before going on a staff retreat. You had to fill one out, and three other people close to you also had to fill it out. At the retreat, I remember spending about 5 minutes discussing areas of strength, and the rest of the retreat discussing our weaknesses and our battle plans to overcome those weaknesses in our lives. I couldn't explain why at the time, but I remember feeling utterly defeated, useless... like I could never measure up. I guess that's a good thing, when balanced with a view of God's unfailing grace, but I have to admit that I didn't understand that about God. I didn't understand how His grace really was sufficient to cover my weakness, how He makes us strong in Him for His purposes, not for ours'.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, because an overwhelming area of weakness for me was "Joy". I didn't have enough, according to this survey. Also, when I was trying to figure out my plan of attack against my joyless life, I really had no idea what a joy-filled life was supposed to look like. Was I supposed to read lots of spiritual books and feel excited by them? Was I supposed to find that living a Godly life was suddenly easy - even with trials? I really had no clue. I also didn't really understand how you could evaluate joy, and I think it's mainly because I just didn't understand what it was or where it came from. Over the years, as God has taken me on this amazing journey discovering Him, He's showed me just what joy looks like - at least, what it looks like so far in my life. Also, He showed me where it comes from. So, over time I was slowly released from this bondage of feeling like I had to somehow manufacture this joy for myself so that I could be more obedient to God, and starting living in the freedom that He offers under His gospel and experience joy as a result of living in that gospel!

All this to give a brief explanation about some of the feelings I've been having lately. I've found over the last year especially that joy is contentment. God used this period of waiting to conceive Andrew to show me that it's really heartbreaking to place hope in circumstances. I spent years waiting to get pregnant, and felt like I had no purpose in the meantime. I made no plans unless they fit in with my "I'm gonna be a mom someday" plan - which, believe me, I don't think there's anything fundamentally wrong with that, except that I was placing hope in my circumstances, rather that in the gospel. Early last year I found myself asking questions... questions like "What if? What if I never get pregnant? What if we are never able to have kids? What then? What am I supposed to do? How will I deal with that? Will my broken heart ever be ok? Does that mean I'm being punished? Is God waiting for me to do something different?" So many, many questions... and I needed to answer them all over time.

I wrestled through a lot of crap last year, and part of that involved realizing that having children - as wonderful as that is - wasn't the answer for my life. Only God is. He's the only One that satisfies. He proved over and over that the things in this world will fail me. I can hope in a job, in my marriage, in my family, in friends... but eventually they will fail. I was in this process of figuring out what it was that God wanted me to do instead. I was trying to understand that I could have joy even in the midst of this pain.

Well, the great news is, we are now pregnant. It's great news, but it's amazing how even now that joy is still under attack! When I first found out I was pregnant, I felt guilty about a lot of things that were going on in my life at that time. I was sure God was going to take this new little baby away from me to punish me for being unfaithful to Him. I felt like I didn't deserve to have this amazing gift. God used that to show me that He doesn't punish us, and that every moment I have with this baby was a gift. Instead of living in fear, He taught me to live being thankful for each moment that I had, whether that were cut shorter than I would like or not.

It continues to remain under attack as I watch good people suffer from pregnancy and infant loss. Why would God give me such an amazing gift when I feel like there are other people that deserve it so much more? Again, the lies that Satan tells only serve to rob the joy that God wants me to experience in Him. Whatever happens, it's for His glory and ultimately for my enjoyment in Him. Instead of living in fear and doubt, I need to remember His promises for my good... and that doesn't necessarily imply a "good life" or good circumstances. That doesn't mean that things will turn out the way I planned when I dreamed of my fairytale future. It just means that life really does suck sometimes, and when we get to Heaven, it's gonna be so much better. And while we're here, we can experience the joy of living in His grace every single day.